she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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