Already got asked if we're dating
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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