hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
