If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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