We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
