I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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