I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
