I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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