dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I did not marry a roomba.
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