1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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