I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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