I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
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