finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
