Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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