He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
