i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Randomize
