just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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