Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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