so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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