I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
