did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
