Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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