Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
And then the night went full on bisexual.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
