I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
