You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
