Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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