And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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