Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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