last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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