She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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