Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
