I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
