I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
