Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
