He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
