I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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