I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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