wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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