Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I smell like Dick and happiness
Randomize
