I wish my penis had an off switch
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
