His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Randomize
