I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
