Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
