Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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