sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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