I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
