dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
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