Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
