Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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