i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
