Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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