I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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