I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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