My hand turned me down
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Randomize
