Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize
