In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
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Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag