I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY