man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.