OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.