The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.