why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
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I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
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What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.