1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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