I wish they made helmets for livers.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
she pinky promised me she was 18
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
