but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
