He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Randomize
