Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
