I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
