So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
